what does your anxiety look like?

Anxiety is such a part of who I am I don’t know what is ‘normal’ and what is not.  I have the odd anxiety attack- where I get completely overwhelmed and hot and nauseated and very unsettled- which is a mild word for the feeling.  But my daily anxiety is something different.  It is cutting the power to the dishwasher because I can’t get it out of my head that it is going to go up in flames. It is opening my girls bedroom door because now I think their salt lamp is also going to go up in flames and if the door is closed I won’t hear it or smell it until it is too late.  It is not leaving my girls alone for 1 second when they are eating just in case they start to choke (they are 5 and 2 now) It is not leaving them alone in the bath- not for 1 second- in case they drown.  It is getting up to check the doors are locked- even though I already checked them.  It is worrying one of my family are going to die in their sleep so I orchestrate a way to say ‘I love you’ in our group family chat… it is freaking out when I am driving, in case I can’t get a parking place- I mean sweats and everything.  It is dropping my eldest off at school and having knots in my tummy all day because I won’t know she is safe if I am not with her.   She was at a party in a soft play centre last week- the first time without me, as I was in work but I didn’t want her to miss her friends party- so I thought- what if she falls wrong- breaks her neck and no one notices- I emailed her friends mum and asked her to keep an eye on her for me.  Until I saw she was safe I was on edge all day in work.  It is a constant monologue in my head of everything that can go EXTREMELY wrong.  Most days I manage to hide it but sometimes it escapes me, I get overwhelmed, I get so scared and now I have FND, which I am sure is a result of all the negative and anxious thoughts I have.

Susan David The Gift and Power of Emotional Courage

Had to share this- all my life I have been told, being sad is bad, its weird, I’m weird, why can’t I just be happy? I should be so grateful for what I have.  Sad is bad.  And now I find myself creating a facebook group to promote positivity- thinking I am helping- when really- we should be encouraging people to FEEL all their emotions.  That is what is healthy, that is what is real.  Sometimes I think I focus so much on the positive because if I actually let myself feel my real emotions I won’t ever stop crying… it is all there bubbling under the surface.  I can’t actually deal with everything. SO I smile and ignore it and I am happy and positive.  One of the most positive people you’ll meet… It is hard.

Calamity Gail

Another sleepless night- this time with the littlest one- who woke up around midnight crying. She was complaining of some mysterious pain and squirming a lot, I changed her nappy and did a check around for anything unusual- nothing to be found. She didn’t have a temperature but was very upset so I had to bundle her downstairs as soon as I realised I wasn’t going to get her settled as easy as usual. I didn’t want her waking up her big sister or disturbing my husband even more than he already had been as he starts work at 6am and is back at uni and so has an especially long day to look forward to. Once downstairs she stopped crying and demanded we watch peppa pig, so we did- after 20 minutes I suggested we go back upstairs, and we did but as soon as she was put back to bed she started crying again, complaining of the mysterious pain again and squirming again. I checked her nappy again, checked her temperature and everything was okay but as she is quite (very) loud we rushed back downstairs where she settled pretty quickly- this pattern continued until after 4am when she had exhausted herself and myself. I plopped us both into mine and my husbands bed where she settled on my head- literally on my head. My husband went to work for 6 and at 7 my other daughter came in looking for us… needless to say I was already in a zombie like state.

We got our car back after my husband fixed it (see previous post) and he parked it last night behind my car- (which I take my daughter to school in- therefore blocking my car in the drive) I looked out and sighed as I realised I would have to reverse his car, move mine out then move his back in and then move mine back in behind his- I didn’t have the energy for all this! I know he always walks to work but I wished this morning he had just taken his car the 10 minute walk!! As I searched for his key it slowly (because I was not switched on this morning) realised his key was missing, I checked all usual spots and then all the unusual spots then thought… maybe the key is in his coat pocket… the coat he has taken to work…. I tried messaging him and ringing him and emailing him… no answer… as time ticked on and I was getting nowhere except frustrated I started to message other people who might be able to help- but they weren’t answering either- eventually as 9am approached I rang the school and explained we would be late… Then I started to worry the key was sitting somewhere really obvious and I just couldn’t see it because I am so tired- that would definitely be the worst!! I kept messaging people and eventually my mum came to the rescue. We got to school an hour and a half late… on our way home my husband messaged me to say he had the key- I was relieved more than anything!!

The school must have me down as the worst mother of the year- my daughter has been off sick more than most, with chicken pox, flu, bronchiolitis, snow days, I think she may be off at least once a week at this stage… and today, when I got her home from school I noticed 2 strange little markings- one on her thumb and one on her inner thigh- I do not know why because I have no idea what I am talking about but I immediately thought ‘ringworm.’ It is one of those words in my psyche and I have no idea what it is or where she would’ve gotten it but I was pretty sure it was ringworm. Off we went to the nearest pharmacy and yes- it is indeed ringworm… it is pretty contagious- meaning she will most likely have to be off school again!! I will take her to school in the morning to make sure and to show them the evidence in case they think I am making all this stuff up!! So- how do I cope with a day like today- well I am currently eating a block of cranberry and wensleydale cheese- my stomach is actually sore from eating this cheese and no doubt it will all come back to haunt me tomorrow but right now I need this cheese..

if there was ever any doubt that I am an emotional eater, the cheese has testified and I have been found guilty as charged! nom nom nom… ouch!

(more about Calamity Gail) Yesterday I got to work and went to pay for parking but I had forgotten my purse, so I rang my husband and he parked my car on one of those app things, (this was after 5 panicked calls, many, many, messages to his work phone and personal phone) I got to work and must’ve left my phone in the car because I couldn’t see it in my bag- I emptied my bag twice, my manager came in and I told him about my morning mishaps, he wasn’t surprised as I am Calamity Gail, when my lunch break came I set off to go get my phone lifted my handbag and my phone was sitting right there! (My manager laughed and asked how much sleep did I get the night before) I went to get some groceries and I left them in the car on my way back to work ( I did that fancy get money in an emergency thing through mobile banking thing) when I got to the car- there was my purse- just laughing at me! Are the fairies messing with my head? or is my head just messed?

my husband- the fixer uppererrr

I have mentioned that my husband is doing his Masters as well as working full time.  He has been off from uni since before Christmas and has all this spare time.   He has now decided he is a ‘handy man.’  He never had any inclination for this kind of stuff before- he would rather pay someone to paint or replace a car part etc- now- with all this spare time and energy he has invested in tools (to save us money)  He has taken to nailing bits of wood into other bits of wood.  The kittens scratch post was sabotaged by our 2 year old (her and the kitten have a love hate relationship at the minute) now there are so many nails in the scratch post that it is indestructible- if not a little unsafe.  I had put together a temporary pole thing to hold empty clothes hangers- I came home from work and it is now permanent.  He fixed the upstairs toilet – it was a job well done.  He is kind of adorable walking around trying to fix everything before he starts uni again- adorable but menacing…

Our car needs a new battery so he Youtubed how to put in a new battery- simple enough I’m told and it is done- (I’m getting more and more impressed)

Now the oil filter needs changed- he bought a socket and wrench set (to save us money)

Wednesday morning I notice the bonnet of the car is open… but he is going to work soon so couldn’t possibly be attempting to change the filter now.  He comes in and says he doesn’t have time. I am relieved.  Off he goes and off the girls and I go to my mums! (In my mums I eat ALL THE CHOCOLATE- oh my goodness- my mums house is always full of goodies and I don’t even try to resist- the girls and I feast of chocolate- it is soooooooooooo good!!! Thanks mum!!)

As we are leaving I notice her whole yard is covered in oil!! I call her out to show her and we both look at it for a minute – more than a little bemused- where is it coming from?  Then slowly it dawns on me- the track of the oil is that exact same track I took when I came in and reversed and parked up… I say this to my mum and I ask her to look as I pull the car forward- sure enough there is a huge puddle of oil underneath it.  I am about to panic- is this flammable? will the car explode?? (Imagination- come back!! ) I get the girls out of the car before it explodes and back into mums.  Is it coincidence that my husband was looking into the engine this morning and now there is oil everywhere? He did say he didn’t have time to do anything so- benefit of the doubt- it is a coincidence.  Mum leaves us home and I message my husband to tell him what happened- he rings me straight away- turns out he did have time to do something- so three days later and we are without a car- he tightened something and nipped something and now oil is leaking and it needs a new part…(thank God he bought those tools to save us money)  to be honest I feel awful for him.  He was trying so hard and not only did he break that car but he destroyed my mums yard in oil (luckily they are very good people and they cleaned it up without even complaining – to our faces anyway) He was adorable.. but dangerous.

The best news in all this is- my husband starts uni again next Tuesday and will down his tools. (Until Easter)

frazzled

My husband is away in Dublin, he stayed over last night with his mates which means I had a lot of running about to do this morning (no more than usual but on a Saturday it seems unfair)

I am up at 6:30am- showered and ready and then get the girls up- who are 5 years old and 2 years old- they refuse to get up- every other Saturday morning in LIFE they are up at 6:30am- this morning its 7:30am and I am banging around outside their room, I have the hair dryer on-i’m singing loudly-  not a peep! Eventually I go in and wake them- I go for the little one first and I get my morning snuggles as she is still half asleep on my knee- morning snuggles are GLORIOUS!! The girls are still so toasty from being in bed and they are half asleep so I get full snuggles, they just bury themselves into me- Our older girl gets up and I quickly go in for snuggles before she wakes up too much– not that she does!!  She is 5 and so tall- she will be overtaking me in no time- her snuggles are a bit harder because she’s more than half the size of me- they are still GLORIOUS- she likes a good squeeeeeeze!!  We are really running late now but the snuggles are so worth it!! She needs to stretch into crazy shapes for about 20 minutes.  I can  not get her to get dressed.  I feed the kitten while she continues to stretch.  The little one is dressed and ready to go but demanding water- it is a human right after all! water it is- she has only turned 2 and usually can drink water unsupervised- this morning- she can not.  She has managed to drench herself in water- I did not give her that much water- I suspect she was at the water cooler when I was distracted with the kitten-clever- she needs changed! Begging my 5 year old to get dressed now, I just takeover myself.  done- 5 seconds flat.  Almost out the door- I spot the clean pants I was to put on her- she has no pants on under her leggings- this will not do! shoes and leggings off, pants on, okay- good- ready to go- pack the car- girls into their carseats- each demanding different songs already (‘let it go’ and ‘Mika’ were favourites but now it’s ‘Let it go’ and the ‘Moana’ cd.  I run in to the house to do a last check- make sure the kitten has access to her litter tray while we are away, lights off, doors locked, coats in the car- as I am leaving I can smell the kitten definitely needed that access to the litter tray- THE WHOLE HOUSE STINKS! At this point I am frazzled- well- I woke up frazzled so I am beyond frazzled now, I still have to drive to the grandparents to drop the girls off and be in work for 9am.  I can not lift kitten poop right now… I’m in the car- the ‘Moana’ cd is already in so it wins, luckily the little one loves it too- usually it is ‘let it go’ or nothing.. I had to borrow my dads car because my husband broke our car trying to fix it… more on that later.  Traffic isn’t too bad we are driving and we are singing

I’ve been staring at the edge of the water
‘Long as I can remember, never really knowing why
I wish I could be the perfect daughter
But I come back to the water, no matter how hard I try
Every turn I take, every trail I track
Every path I make, every road leads back
To the place I know, where I can not go, where I long to be

See the line where the sky meets the sea? It calls me
And no one knows, how far it goes
If the wind in my sail on the sea stays behind me
One day I’ll know, if I go there’s just no telling how far I’ll go…….

So good to sing to- and the three of us are great singers.. ahem! I love these moments- we all sing our hearts out even though we don’t really know the words- what we must look like to other drivers- actually the other drivers can probably only see me- so what must I look like!!

We get up to the grandparents in record time, I unload the kids and the carseats and the nappy bag and their food- oh wait- no- I left the NAPPY BAG AND FOOD AT HOME!!!! seriously- nappies- I do not know what to do- we all look at each other- then Grandad says to leave the key and he’ll go get the bag- okay… (BUT THE HOUSE STINKS OF KITTEN POOP)  okay- off to work I go- Getting into town I turn into the carpark and there are the police- I dunno about you but when I see police I immediately feel like they are after me… I park up- (right beside them so that I don’t look guilty) As I get out they come over to me, I am actually under arrest aren’t I?  ‘just to let you know your reversing lights aren’t working’ (why did I park right beside them?) ‘okay- thank you- it’s my dads car, waffle waffle waffle’ (shut up!) I run and get a ticket and run to work- its 8.59am- I have actually made it to work, but now I am exhausted and want to go home!

Taking the easy way out

I have been researching FND online-and still I have no clue about it.  I joined several FND groups on Facebook.  I followed a few peoples comments and stories to try and see if their stories resonated with mine.  I don’t know if I joined the WRONG FND groups but these groups were not what I have been used to.  In The Wahl’s groups everyone was so positive- despite being wheelchair bound or in pain.  They were taking action and they were POSITIVE- you almost got a buzz off these people, they inspired you to get up and do something- To fight on!! To Keep Fighting.  The FND groups I joined were the OPPOSITE of this.  I don’t know if it is because FND is so… ambiguous – maybe these people in the FND group are struggling mentally because they aren’t being told definitely what is wrong- but every single person who posted- over 3 groups that I joined- were struggling- really struggling to be positive.  They felt they weren’t being taken seriously- by family and friends and even professionals- one guy was at a pip meeting and was told he was ‘talking nonsense’ there was nothing wrong with him… Imagine if you have all these symptoms- some wheelchair bound- and your family and friends don’t believe there is anything wrong with you and even professionals say you are lying- well that is going to have a serious effect on your mental health- and you won’t get better.   The invisible illness made even more invisible by its ambiguity.   If you are diagnosed with an auto-immune disease- you know the problem, your family knows the problem, your Dr knows the problem and you are taken seriously.  Okay so it is still mostly an invisible illness and strangers will probably judge you when they shouldn’t but you have the support you need most.  The other difference I noticed- and this is controversial- the people in the FND groups seemed to have given up hope.  They weren’t taking action.  They weren’t exercising or watching their diet.  Many of them seemed to smoked- every photo they were smoking, many of them were overweight, they drank sugary drinks like cocoa cola.  I am not judging- I know my diet is not good all the time and  I would like to make it clear that this was just the FND groups I JOINED.  This is not about everyone with FND.   When I thought I might have MS I changed my diet.  Food is medicine- I never smoked in my life, but I imagine it is not very good for you- I also know how important exercise is- although I struggle to keep motivated.  I know this is probably a catch-22 thing- they aren’t being taken seriously so they give up- and they give up so they aren’t being taken seriously.  I know some days are HARD- and I KNOW I AM LUCKY in that my symptoms have not left me in a wheelchair or blind.  The people in The Wahl’s group are in wheelchairs, and blind and I wrote about a lovely lady who died- right up until the end she was positive and she was fighting.  She messaged the group on her way to hospital- scared but fighting.  The people I came across in the FND groups- had given up-  they were not fighting- so I left the groups- I couldn’t take on their anger and complaints as well as my own anxiety.  Just now though- I have had a thought- I should’ve stayed- and been positive for them!! Maybe I should rejoin and bombard them with sunshine or would I just come across as patronising?  Or would their negativity suck me in- I am already fighting my own anxiety- maybe I can’t fix everyone.  I dunno- I just came away from the FND groups with less hope than when I thought I might have MS.

Functional Neurological Disorder FND

• FND is due to a problem with the functioning of the nervous system and thought to be the result of the brain’s inability to send and receive signals properly, rather than disease.
• FND is the second most common reason for a neurological outpatient visit after headache/migraine.
• FND is more common than multiple sclerosis.
• FND symptoms are real
• FND can cause impairment in quality of life that is similar to other neurological conditions such as Parkinson’s disease or Epilepsy

Taken from FNDHope.org

I have been trying to get my head around FND and honestly- I can’t.  Is it a mental health problem?  Is this my anxiety and worry manifesting itself physically?  I have no idea.

I am assuming it is all to do with my anxiety.  I think of myself as a positive person- I try to get people to  look on the ‘bright side’, I try to cheer people up and keep them positive.  But in my head I am in a constant state of worry- about everything.  For example- My parents are over in England at the minute visiting my brother.  They took the boat and then drove to his house.  I was on high alert until I heard they arrived safely- I had imagined many scenario’s that did not end well for them.  The weather was bad so maybe they came off the road, maybe a lorry driver fell asleep on the motorway while driving and crashed into them, maybe they fell asleep at the wheel, maybe a lorry had a blowout- the list is endless. As the day went on, I kept checking the time and getting more stressed, I eventually asked had they arrived safe- thankfully they had- but no-one told me!  They were all relaxed having a great time whereas I was freaking out and wondering how to cover funeral costs!

I guess that ‘energy’ has to go somewhere.

I don’t send apples to the childminder for my children in case they choke on them.  Then I found out she gives them apples anyway so I go to work and worry that the apple will get them!!

I’m driving and I worry, I lie in bed, I worry, I try relax in the bath and I worry.  My imagination runs away with me.

Yesterday the girls and I were in the car and we were having THE best time, singing Let it go(Alex’s choice) and Mika(Eabha’s choice) the same 2 songs over and over, we were all singing (using that word loosely) at the top of voices- then I thought- well if the apocalypse comes now at least we are together.   That was my ‘Happy’ thought.

This ‘anxiety’ must now be causing these ‘mysterious’ symptoms.   Looking on http://www.FNDHope.org  it seems anti-depressants are often prescribed (So it is a mental health thing?) I don’t want to be put on an anti-depressant.  So I gotta fix this myself.

How?

It is unlikely I have MS

I know the saying ‘no rain, no flowers’ means without rain there can not be any flowers but today I feel like I didn’t get either. I didn’t get flowers or rain, I got nothing. My long-awaited neurologist appointment was today and he said that it is unlikely I have MS. He said he didn’t think there was any need for an MRI if I was happy enough to trust him, which I am, because he’s a neurologist! He said my nervous system isn’t working correctly but it isn’t a neurological problem. He did refer me to a website: http://www.neurosymptoms.org which is very interesting but A LOT to take in- here is the introduction to it:

Functional and Dissociative Neurological Symptoms : a patient’s guide

How to use this website …

This website is about symptoms which are: • neurological (such as weakness, numbness or blackouts) • REAL (and not imagined) • and due to a PROBLEM with the FUNCTIONING of the nervous system, and NOT due to neurological disease. These symptoms have many names (including dissociative symptoms and conversion symptoms) but are often described as “functional symptoms” or “functional disorders” Symptoms like these are surprisingly common but can be difficult for patients and health professionals to understand. This website, written by a neurologist with a special interest in these problems, aims to give you a better understanding of these symptoms. It has no advertising and does not make any money for the author.

Obviously I am relieved I don’t have MS or any neurological problems but I am also deflated in that I was looking forward to having some answers- some validation even on my symptoms, now I feel like maybe I am just crazy- which is not a nice feeling. A ‘crazy attention seeking time waster’ is how I feel right now. I am trying to be positive- I DON’T HAVE MS! how can I not be HAPPY? – I know everyone with MS most likely wishes they didn’t have MS so I am grateful, for my babies, I am so glad. Now I just have to look deeper into myself and see how to fix these annoying symptoms. I need to get a grip of my anxiety as the Dr said it could be a factor. How do I do that??

I need an action plan.

My action plan is:

Complete 80 day obsession (A Beachbody program)

Meditate 3 times a week

Bath in magnesium at least once a week

Keep a diary about food, stress, symptoms.

Continue Gluten free, Dairy free and Sugar Free and lean more towards vegetarianism (now that I don’t have MS I don’t need to follow the Wahls protocol so strictly and you can’t be vegetarian on that)

Continue with my supplements and investing in some CBD oil- to help with my sleep.

I also need to work out a timetable and try to stick to it as much as possible because I need trained. I need a schedule. My head needs some clarity and structure to guide me through the fog.

I still plan on writing this blog as it is about my journey to health and becoming soul strong. I didn’t get any answers today but I will keep searching.

JUST STRONG

I wish I had someone to talk to through all of this. I don’t mean that in a melancholic way. I think I just need another me so I can get out of my own head sometimes but stay in my own head!! I really want to thrash out everything that is going through my head and hear some objective opinions. No one really wants to talk about it. Everyone is so sure (but not sure) that I don’t have MS they make me feel ridiculous, like I am imagining everything. My friends don’t ask questions and they change the subject if I try to bring it up. My husband does listen but he honestly has enough to worry about with work and his masters and being a dad and being a husband. I still haven’t told my parents. I KNOW! I just couldn’t do it to them. I was waiting until after Christmas, then after New Years then I just couldn’t do it. But I am getting tired of living this ‘double life’, it is stressful and I don’t need anymore stress but I don’t want to hurt them. Not that I could talk to them about it because I know they would be telling me there is nothing wrong with me or treating it like it is a death sentence. My brothers don’t ask. I know everyone has their own lives and their own struggles. I suppose that is what this blog is all about. Getting it out there and trying to organise it or make sense of it, if there is any sense to be made!

One of the groups I am in on Facebook asked us what our word for 2018 was going to be and it took me a good week to come up with the perfect word. STRONG.  My word had to be STRONG.

STRONG:

ADJECTIVE

stronger (comparative adjective) · strongest (superlative adjective)

1. having the power to move heavy weights or perform other physically demanding tasks:

   synonyms: powerful · muscular · brawny · well built · powerfully built · strapping · sturdy · hefty · burly · meaty · robust · fit · athletic · vigorous · tough · rugged · stalwart · staunch · mighty · hardy · lusty · Herculean · strong as an ox/horse/lion · beefy · hunky · husky · ripped · shredded · buff · jacked

    

   • able to perform a specified action well and powerfully:

     synonyms: capable · able · proficient · adept · adroit · accomplished · impressive · strong · powerful · mighty · terrific · tremendous · great · redoubtable · indomitable · invincible · seasoned · skilful · skilled · gifted · talented · masterly · virtuoso · expert · knowledgeable · qualified · trained · efficient · good · excellent · brilliant · outstanding · first-class · first-rate · mean · wicked · deadly · nifty · crack · ace · stellar · wizard · magic · crackerjack · badass · compleat · habile

      
   • exerting great force:
     synonyms: forceful · powerful · vigorous · fierce · intense · extreme
   • powerful and difficult to resist or defeat:
   • “the competition was too strong”

   • “the company was in a strong position to negotiate a deal
   • (of an argument or case) likely to succeed because of sound reasoning or convincing evidence:

     synonyms: compelling · cogent · forceful · powerful · potent · weighty · convincing · plausible · effective · efficacious · sound · valid · well founded · telling · impressive · persuasive · influential · authoritative

      
   • powerfully affecting the mind, senses, or emotions:

     synonyms: intense · forceful · vehement · passionate · ardent · fervent · profound · deep-seated · consuming · extreme · acute · fierce · fervid · perfervid · passional

      

   • (of language or actions) forceful and extreme, especially excessively or unacceptably so:
     “a play full of strong language”synonyms: firm · forceful · severe · strict · drastic · extreme · draconia

• able to withstand force, pressure, or wear:
  synonyms: secure · well built · indestructible · well fortified · well defended · well protected · impregnable · impenetrable · inviolable · unassailable · solid · durable · hard-wearing · heavy-duty · tough · sturdy · well made · substantial · solid · rugged · resistant · resilient · imperishable · indestructible · long-lasting · enduring
  • not easily affected by disease or hardship.
    synonyms: well · healthy · in good health · fit · fighting fit · robust · vigorous · blooming · thriving · bursting with health · in rude health · hale · hale and hearty · hearty · in good shape · in excellent shape · in good condition · in good trim · in fine fettle · sound · sound in body and limb · in the pink · fit as a fiddle · in tip-top condition
  • not easily disturbed, upset, or affected:
    “only a strong will enabled him to survive”synonyms: forceful · determined · spirited · dynamic · self-assertive · tough · tenacious · high-powered · formidable · aggressive · redoubtable · zealous · firm · resolute · strong-minded · gutsy · feisty
  • firmly held or established:
    “they had established a strong and trusting relationship”synonyms: keen · eager · deep · acute · dedicated · passionate · fervent ·[More]

    zealous · keen · eager · enthusiastic · earnest · dedicated · staunch · loyal · steadfast · passionate · fierce · fervent

• very intense:
  synonyms: intense · deep · rich · warm · bright · brilliant · vivid · striking · colourful · graphic · bright · brilliant · intense · radiant · gleaming · dazzling · glaring

I need to be every one of these synonyms! From fighting-fit to passionate to forceful to knowledgeable! I need to be STRONG.

Strong in my Physical health.

Strong in my Heart

Strong in my Gut

Strong in my Mind

Strong enough to look after everyone else and Strong enough to look after myself.

Strong enough to stand up for myself

A lot of people think I am weak, because I cry at EVERYTHING. I have been called weak many times.

I am not crying because I am weak. I am crying because I FEEL everything yet I still have the strength to go on. I am STRONG.

When I went to Mass on a Sunday as a child. I would look around and most Sundays I would see someone with so much sadness in their eyes that I would cry too. It never left me. I still see it. I still feel it. I still cry. I am strong. 2018 is my year to show everyone how STRONG I am .

Welcome to Limbo

The neurologists appointment is this MONDAY! And I have decided to expect NOTHING from this appointment. The neurologist isn’t going to say definitively ‘yes, you have MS’ ‘No, you don’t have MS- scoot!’ I will most likely be told I need an MRI and or a Lumbar Puncture and I don’t even know if I want to go down that route. Firstly I am a little claustrophobic (I was locked in a boot/trunk of a car when I was younger during a game of hide and seek and they forgot about me- I was there for hours, only released when the driver heard my crying before taking off) I had planned on asking my GP for something to help with the MRI on the day but now the more I read about MRI’s and Gadolinium poisoning the less I want something put into my brain. This is from Ashton Embry (Father of Matt Embry of MS Hope)

“Gadolinium and MS – Most neurologists routinely prescribe annual MRI scans for their MS patients which include a gadolinium-based dye. The main reason the dye is used is to identify active lesions in which blood is passing through the blood-brain barrier (BBB) into the central nervous system (CNS). One of the main motivations behind such scans is to use them to persuade (scare) their patients to use a drug or to move onto a more powerful (toxic) drug with a bigger price tag.
In the summer of 2015, I posted a warning that gadolinium can accumulate in the brain following repetitive scans and potentially cause additional problems in the CNS. Notably the US Food and Drug Agency has recently issued a report (https://www.fda.gov/Drugs/DrugSafety/ucm589213.htm) that gadolinium (Gd) does indeed accumulate in the brain after a number of scans. It is still not known what problems are caused by the retention of Gd but one has to assume a build-up of a toxic heavy metal in the brain is not a good thing.
I doubt if the neurologists will discontinue, or even substantially lessen, the use of Gd-based dyes given their great value for additional drug sales. I suggest PwMS strongly question why their neurologist is using such a potentially-harmful technique to identify disease activity when physical exams are obviously the best way to determine if progression is occurring. Furthermore, if progression is occurring, I would hope that the person would seriously look at nutritional strategies to slow or halt such progression (see MSHope.com and Terrywahls.com). I can only emphasize there is no solid evidence the drugs recommended by the neurologist affect long term progression (the real disease).”

I’ve since read lots of messages from people who have had only 2 MRI’s and Gadolinium is at a crazy high level in their brain- so no, I don’t want that. If I must have an MRI, I would like it without Gadolinium.

Then there is the whole problem with seeking out a diagnosis. It will most likely take years. If I do get diagnosed with MS, I know I will just get meds pushed at me, meds which treat the symptom not the disease. Professionals who are bank-rolled by pharmaceutical companies or who have been trained to do so (by people bank-rolled by pharmaceutical companies)- will be telling me what to take and I will doubt my own instincts because they are professionals and I am not. I do know that since I started investigating my gut health- my symptoms have appeased. Now I don’t have the numbness- everywhere- everyday. Before I started this I would have numbness in my hands and feet every single day- for hours. Now I do have the occasional tingling but nothing like it was. AND I am just beginning!! AND I’m not even doing it completely correctly, I do sneak in the odd chocolate! Imagine if I was 100% strict.

So, maybe I decide I don’t want a diagnosis (until I get a big flair up perhaps) Am I content enough to live in LIMBO- not having an answer? Hi, I’m Gail and I might have MS. Could I cope with that?

Wish I could think of these things. I’m definitely going to try follow this.

New Year

New Year, New You! The slogan that is everywhere at the minute- but you know what? You don’t need a New You! Don’t buy into it. I do need a few ‘new’ changes but that is about GROWTH, not becoming a new person. I hope to develop a few NEW habits.

My first ‘New Habit’ is to get up at 5:30am and start my life. It was supposed to happen this morning but both our girls had the most restless night EVER- The Christmas comedown for kids, so I was not fit to get up at 5:30am this morning. I didn’t fail- I just need to try again! When I do get up at 5:30am and the girls are still asleep- I intend on working out to my beachbody program and then just sitting in silence over a mug of tea. Mentally preparing myself for the day ahead. What might happen is I fall asleep on the sofa- I know for sure that this habit is not going to be an easy one for me to develop- but I’ll try. I will become a fully-fledged member of the 5:30am club. (Hold me accountable- I’ll see you at 5:30am tomorrow morning)

The second NEW habit- is to workout (which is linked to my first habit) I have also signed up to a 10k which takes place in April. I realise one of my symptoms is tiredness but I will do my best. Some days I have boundless energy (I think I had one of those days in the last year) most I days walk up the stairs and I feel drained but reading the Wahls protocol- I need to get moving! ‘Your brain and your body need you to use your muscles and move, even if you have a degenerative disease. Exercise is important to maintaining the proper balance of hormones in the brain and in the body. It also keeps muscles from atrophing’ Taken from The Wahls Protocol by Terry Wahls, M.D. I will be a Wahls Warrior which leads me to my next New Habit

My third New Habit is to STOP WORRYING- This will be the hardest for me as I am constantly worrying. Ringing in the New Year and everyone is so hopeful and in my head I’m thinking- It is too late, Our planet has doomed, What have I brought my girls into? What sort of lives will they have? Threat of war, Over Population (I added 2 to this problem) POLLUTION, Climate Change, Artificial intelligence, now there’s some Aussie Flu making its way through Ireland killing people!! So- STOP and breathe- turn away from the media and realise the media is a fear factory. I need to live in the PRESENT, enjoy my girls today, in this moment, and stop worrying. STOP WORRYING. It is all beyond my control so why worry. LIVE IN THE MOMENT. (obviously I am using less plastic and trying to help as much as I can with climate change and pollution) but everything else? I can’t worry.

2018 will see me become a WARRIOR not a worrier.

Happy New Year!

How to be Soul Strong? I have no idea- yet! Part 1.

I changed the tagline on my page- it was something like- is multiple sclerosis looming?- but I was never happy with that- for many reasons, one being- if multiple sclerosis is looming, it shouldn’t define me- it really shouldn’t define me before I am even diagnosed! So now it reads- ‘Becoming soul strong’ I think I am happy with this. What am I doing to be ‘Soul Strong’?

• I am learning to not judge- sometimes I have fleeting ‘judgey’ type thoughts but I immediately scold myself- then I judge myself. So to be ‘Soul Strong’ I need to judge less- even myself. People are deep- we only get to see what they show us on the surface- even someone who seems so full of hate- there could be, most likely is a deep pain or a fear, hate comes from fear- that we can’t see- we don’t know where their hate is born of, so don’t judge- accept and show love. The love you show could ease a little pain- Love can change the world.
• Let go- Let go, Let go, LET IT GO! As much as I tell myself I’m over stuff- I know I am not. Rejection- I was rejected in a BIG way by people who were family- my best friends and it hurt me- a lot- I went through the motions- trying to be friends with them, wondering why they hated me now? What did I do? What was wrong with me? and now I do accept (do I? totally?) that maybe it wasn’t my fault after all, their rejection of me is not a reflection of me. But it still hurts, we all swore we would be each others bridesmaids so when they got married, I wondered did they even think of me. Have they cut me out of all the photos they have with me in them? are there 100’s of photos with my face crossed out!! Their rejection of me- helped shape me- maybe even had something to do with the eating disorders (not blaming them because I made those decisions- There were many factors and the eating problems started waaaay before their ultimate rejection of me) I am a better person because of it. I believe this. The pain they caused made me strong- stronger than people give me credit for- just because I cry doesn’t mean I am weak! Part of me will always hope for that big happy reunion but I see they are too full of hate and that it will never happen. Hate has consumed them. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. I could’ve gone down that route but instead I chose LOVE- every time I choose LOVE. It was not the first time or the last time I have been/will be rejected. I need to let go of being rejected and not take it so personally. Again- their rejection of me is not a reflection of me… keep saying that over and over!

Zac gets it!

‘you’re my hero, you are the reason I do what I do, Thank you so much Michael, for everything, and thanks for showing me how to dance, how to believe in myself, how to shine’-Zach

‘Dreams really do come true’-MJ

Crying- Me!

This little light of mine…

Shine your light

I joined The Wahl’s Protocol Group on Facebook and I love the group- so supportive and so positive. Yesterday a much -loved member died. She was only 34 years old- she had lupus. She messaged the group on her way to the hospital suspecting she had pneumonia, intestine and kidney trouble. She was scared. I try not to cry reading the message now. She leaves behind a daughter.

I didn’t realise she was so close to death- she was always so kind and positive. I suppose I never realised how bad she was because I only saw what she put in the group and in the group she was a light for everyone else. I hope she finds peace and is pain free now. I am heartbroken for her family and I know The Wahls Protocol group will miss her- something will forever be missing. RIP my friend.

One of her many legacies (for I am sure I am not the only one thinking of her now- even though we never met!) she has encouraged me to continue to be positive. There have been a few mornings/days/moments/nights where I have felt- apathetic- I think I do this when I know I can not deal with what is really going on- I switch off- It is easier than feeling. If she could get up every morning and put on her positive pants- despite the pain she must’ve been in, both physical and emotional, her heart must’ve been so sore. Then the least I can do is try to shine a light- like she did so well. You never know who needs that little nudge of positivity- that little glimpse of light when they may feel they are being swallowed by darkness. I must keep my little ‘positive mission’ alive on facebook in my group Nourish and lift, which I have neglected since I started this particular journey. Everyday I am going to post a positive quote- I may need it more than anyone else in the days that follow with my first neurologist appointment in 17 sleeps. I have decided not to expect too much from this appointment. I will most likely not get any answers but instead will be sent for an MRI. I googled ‘what to expect from my first neurologist appointment’ and found that many people didn’t get answers for months and months and some people didn’t get any answers at all- they didn’t show as having MS so were left in limbo. I guess I entered limo and I have no idea how long I’ll be here.

Usually I am a fan of lists

With my appointment for the neurologists closing in on me- (I’m neurotic about this neurologist appointment!!) I have decided to make a list so that I don’t forget anything.  I have gotten used to making lists.  I make them for everything- they seem to help organize my mind and stop me from forgetting- unless I forget the list which I often do.  Shopping lists, things I have to do today lists- Christmas lists- lots of lists, I could happily swim in a sea of lists ( I can’t swim so I would drown)  But this list is a little daunting- I didn’t think it would be so long. I thought I had 1 or 2 symptoms turns out I have a good few more than that- that I remember…

So- here goes:

Pins and needles in various locations

Pain in various locations

Weakness and pain in my left arm/hand

Feel like I’m moving but I’m not moving- if I’m driving and the car stops I feel like the car is still moving- I don’t think it is dizziness but it is unnerving

Mixing my letters and numbers up in what I think is a dyslexic kind of way

Pain in my leg up around my hip joints

CRAZY dreams- crazy vivid dreams

Anxiety

Fatigue

Bladder issues- the less said about this the better- I haven’t really admitted this to myself

Spasms

Loss of memory

Forgetting how to swallow

Losing balance

Feet are always moving- my husband has many many videos of me sitting unaware that my feet are busy dancing away to their own tune.

Jittery eye

Insomnia

Always cold

Face burning

Occasional Mouth Ulcer

With a list like this, if it is not MS- what is it?

Could it be nothing?

 

 

 

I let women down, I let myself down but more importantly I let my daughter down

My daughter has just turned 5.  She is perfect- even is I do say so myself!! She came home from school last week and said a boy in her class kept trying to kiss her but she didn’t want to so she didn’t. All good! I say ‘ aw, well I hope you didn’t hurt his feelings’ WHAT???? I actually said that- as soon as the words were out of my mouth I retracted, I told her she never has to kiss anyone she doesn’t want to and she never has to hug anyone she doesn’t want to, that she is her own boss! She agreed and seemed happy enough but I was kinda shell-shocked at myself. MY DAUGHTERS FEELINGS SHOULD BE MY ONLY CONCERN.  Have I been so ingrained in this patriarchal society that I was more concerned about some male that I didn’t even know- okay- they are only 4/5 and it is innocent but he should be taught not to kiss girls when they don’t want to be kissed and my daughter should be encouraged to stand up for herself and say NO.  I hope she didn’t hear my first comment or if she heard it I hope she rolled her eyes at me and didn’t take it onboard.  I want her to be kind but I also want her to stand up for herself and say no if she is ever in an uncomfortable situation.  I have been in many an uncomfortable situation- standing at a bar when the local ‘character’ put his hand up my skirt, all the while still talking to a couple who had no idea what he was doing. I just froze- I was in shock, this guy- everyone knows him- probably 30 years older than me, he was affable- jolly- not a pervert! It didn’t make sense- I made my excuses and left their company- God forbid my daughter finds herself in a situation like this- I want her to turn around and slap the guy and tell everyone what he did.  On more than one occasion a taxi driver (same taxi driver tried it a couple of times) leaving me home would drive on passed where I lived, stop down the road and lunge on top of me, I said no- and he stopped- after a while- he finally got the message- I was called a tease and left home.  I felt disgusted- he didn’t, I felt shame, he didn’t.  In university the ‘welsh guy’ (I called him that cause he was Welsh- see how clever!) came up to me and said, ‘you are good looking but I’ve heard your frigid’ what a chat up line- basically- ‘prove to me your not frigid’ I didn’t!! But again, I felt shame, he didn’t.  There are countless other occasions where I have been made to feel sexualised and uncomfortable- too many to recount but I was the one that always felt the shame- not the man.  I DO NOT want history repeating itself- I want my daughters to slap anyone who crosses the line, to tell on them, to SHAME THEM!  I especially do not want to be the reason my daughters feel they can’t hurt a man’s feelings… How stupid!  My daughter is already a better, stronger woman than I am and I need to nurture this.  I need to retrain myself and I need to think before I speak.  I realise this post isn’t about MS but I feel like I need to put this out there- I also realise my family might read this and they may be shocked- but maybe not shocked.   Deep breath and publish.

the red cabbage.

I have been known to put things in random places but I have no recollection of doing it- yet everyone knows it is me! Finding the ketchup in with the medicines or the sugar in the fridge- Gail did it- even though she denies it!! I lost a dishwasher tablet- it completely disappeared when I was putting the wrapper in the bin- I still haven’t found it! Today my child minder text me to ask what it was in the girl’s lunch bag- I have no idea what she is talking about- she says she has never seen one before- well- now I am intrigued!! I get her to send a photo- while waiting on the photo I wracked my brains- through the brain fog- what did I put into their lunch bag??? She sends a photo of a red cabbage!! I HAVE NO IDEA how this got in there but it has to have been me as I am the only one who organises their lunch… I can just imagine the girls faces if the child minder tried to feed them this… It made me laugh and I hope it made her laugh too- maybe she’s ringing social services because she has now seen I am crazy! On another note- I ate so bad yesterday- I had hummus (because I love it and miss it but on the Wahl’s protocol legumes are a no-no) today I ache all over and I am so bloated- is it the hummus. Et tu, hummus? I also had pitta bread with the hummus- because you kinda have to- so maybe it was the bread or maybe it is just coincidence? The only way to find out is to eliminate them again and try them again in a few weeks to see if anything happens. Only 28 sleeps until the neurologists appointment!

dreams!

I have always had CRAZY dreams-  When I was very young I always wanted a baby sister- I had a few recurring dreams as a child- in one dream- I ‘woke’ up and looked outside my window and there was a beautiful girl outside, the sister I always wanted, I invited her in and introduced her to my family- I left them all in the kitchen together and then went to my room, when I went back to the kitchen she had massacred my whole family! (you weren’t expecting that were you!!) I would have this dream so often- that is why I remember it so well- I even remember the orange floral dress she was wearing.  Another dream involved a pack of dogs forcing their way into our house and mauling everyone, chasing me down to my room and then I’d wake up.  As I got older my dreams involved demons and entities, they were abusive, very violent- still are.  I fight for my body and soul- the dreams are terrorizing at best- sleep paralysis is involved too.  When my babies were born I fought for their souls, I would hold a Crucifix and pray at the demon- sometimes even Satan himself would make an appearance- I know- I sound CRAZY, I am crazy- but these dreams are so real.  When I went to university I told my mum about them and she sent me Holy Water! Maybe they are just my own sub-conscious battle- I was worried for a while about how depraved my imagination/dreams could be- what did that say about me?  I don’t have them as much now but I do still have vivid dreams every night – I seem to go straight to dream sleep ( I have recently found out that this is also linked to MS)  When I was put on prozac a million years ago- I stopped dreaming- so I stopped the prozac, most nights I look forward to my dreams, they can be great craic- you never know what I’ll be getting up to, and when I wake up at 2am-ish- like I do every night- for about 2 hours, I try so hard to get back into my dreams.  Sometimes if things aren’t going my way in a dream, I tell myself- ‘it is just a dream’- and I change it!  Other times I have to question ‘is this a dream? yes, yes it is- okay then, continue!’ Do you have dreams like this? Is it another link to MS?  Only 29 more non-sleeps until I meet the neurologist!!

Have you Faith?

I was born into an Irish Catholic Family.  We prayed the Rosary every night as a family, went to Mass every Sunday, Confessions, Holy Communion, Confirmation, the whole she-bang! But Mass was sooooooooo boring- The Priest just seemed to waffle on and on and we had to sit very still for an hour- which is HARD WORK! So I didn’t really enjoy this version of Catholicism… I looked elsewhere- to Wicca and even Anton LaVey- drastic I know.  I was lost- I believed in God but I fell out of Catholicism and didn’t know where else to go.  When I had got pregnant with my first child I got a job in a Catholic bookshop- of all places and slowly I came back to God and Catholicism.  I believe He led me to this job.  I needed Faith because I could not deal with the responsibility of bringing a life into the world- I needed back-up.  I prayed for my baby to be safe in the womb and I prayed for a safe delivery- when she was born I prayed every day that she would be happy and healthy- I still do.  I have always had crazy anxiety and now I pray and sometimes it helps.  I do have mini anxiety attacks when I can’t think enough to pray in that moment but I am getting there.  (Anxiety is a symptom of MS?) Now I am trying to be a better Catholic- a liberal one but I do believe in a lot of the doctrine and I still find Mass a struggle- really I just wrestle my own children for the hour now- they are not good at sitting still and I don’t expect them to sit still- so we don’t go as much as we should.  I am bringing them up Catholic and if like me they wander I have no doubt they will come back.   I Thank God every day for my babies and their health and my family- I am eternally grateful.  How do people without Faith cope with life??? If someone is sick, I pray, If someone has gone missing, I pray, If someone has died, I pray for their Soul and for their family left behind.  I pray there will be an end to war and starvation and pollution.  By Praying I feel like I am able to do something that I can’t really do much else about ( I do donate to charities and I am trying to help lower my pollution footprint)  I talk to God about everything,  we even laugh at the little tricks He plays- He is a funny one! (He could be a She) who do people without Faith talk to? How do you deal with the stresses?  I just hand mine up to God- safe in the knowledge (some might argue ignorance) that He is in charge and has a plan- because I sure don’t have a plan, I can’t keep everyone safe!!  With this journey I don’t know what to do? Do I pray it is not MS (it could be something worse) or do I pray it is MS (so that I have an answer)?  I don’t know how to pray about this- maybe I just pray that I surrender to His will whatever that might be.. but also sneak in a little please don’t let it be MS or maybe let it be MS if that is the best case scenario… I don’t know!!!!

 

self-absorbed?

I am in danger of sounding self- absorbed.  Every thing I write is about me!  It is just that I am new to this version of myself.  The one seeking health in the face of a possible MS diagnosis.  So everything has started to intrigue me.  Every spasm, every sharp pain, every dull pain, I would’ve ignored them before but now they set me off on a train of thought -about myself!  Maybe it is not self absorption but self-discovery- or maybe that is me being easy on myself.  In a world where so much needs our care and attention, am I being selfish focussing on me?  Should I continue to ‘just get on with it’ and hope that it goes away? I feel guilty for spending time researching and reading.  Time I didn’t have before this- I am taking time out from time I previously spent looking after my babies and husband to delve into my symptoms.  I do feel self-indulgent at times and guilty too.  Even writing this I am conflicted.  When my family and friends read this are they ‘rolling’ their eyes?  ‘Get over yourself’ Are they embarrassed by me/for me?  I am embarrassed at times, I feel ashamed by my symptoms but I want to be relatable- if someone is going through what I am going through, I want them to reach out to me and connect.  I want to help and I know by connecting they will help me, I’ve already experienced that through the bloggers I have connected with.  There is comfort to be found in an otherwise very uncomfortable situation.  I want to help comfort.  I will try to be mindful of my self-absorption so that is doesn’t take over!!

I forget how to swallow! Weird!

This has been happening on and off for about a year now.  I did go through a phase of forgetting how to swallow every time I ate!  I would be chewing my food, oblivious that I have forgotten how to take the next step.  I would go to swallow and I realise have forgotten how to swallow!! I panic.  Rush the food to the front of my mouth with my tongue and calm myself down because I just nearly choked. This would happen every time and every time I would start eating oblivious to the fact I have forgotten how to swallow and so the panic would ensue.  It doesn’t happen as much now but when it does I can’t help but panic, I am caught unawares each time! Does this happen to you?  I have decided to NOT google this one for fear of what google diagnoses.  I can’t help but wonder,  is this another piece of the MS puzzle? All these little ‘strange’ symptoms.  I wouldn’t worry about them too much if they were singular but put all of them together and it is obvious something is not right.  As for my diet I have been – let’s say – okay at eating properly.  Some days I run out of time and find I haven’t eaten yet- those days I force myself to eat- other days I am starving all day and eat properly.  I am still fasting 16 hours which I love.  I do stumble over the weekends where I enjoy (NEED) a glass or two of red wine (luckily it is not prohibited on The Wahl’s Protocol).  Usually I would feast on cheese with my red wine so I am missing that. But for now I am not ready to give up my red wine at the weekends.  I think after working hard all week and coping with the girls- who are great but are prone to a tantrum or 3000 (aren’t we all?) I long for a glass of wine after they go to bed on a Friday evening! It settles me to my bones! Of course each time I was pregnant I gave up alcohol completely but I always knew after 9/10 months we would be reunited!!  I have yet to forget how to swallow wine!!  This will be a sad day.

Liebster Award

“Originating in Germany in 2011, the Liebster Award 2017 is an online award that is given to bloggers by other bloggers. Liebster translates to sweetest, kindest, nicest, dearest, beloved, lovely, kind, pleasant, valued, cute, endearing, and welcome. The Liebster Award recognizes new and upcoming bloggers that have the potential to grow and become successful influencers within the blogosphere.”

 

Thank you to Positively Alyssa for the nomination.  I am so new to this and Alyssa has been so kind.  I have been really touched by her genuine kindness.  I binge read her posts and found them so easy to read, so uplifting.  Infact her grandfather’s wise words have stuck with me when I may have a low moment, I remember I am actually lucky- there are many people worse off than me.

I would like to nominate Positively Alyssa

and also Tripping Through the Treacle  I love the title of your blog and again I have been binge reading your blog posts.

Hannah Baldwin  

myMSrollercoasterride

MSgracefulnot

Are 3 other bloggers I have recently discovered and I enjoy your posts… I am so new to this so please be patient with me.

 

Rules for nominees:

– Thank the blogger who nominated you and link back to their blog in your post.
– Upload the award to your blog. It can be done as a blog or on the sidebar.
– Answer the same questions I have above or share 10 facts about yourself.
– Nominate 5 blogs who you believe deserve to receive the award.
– Notify the nominated bloggers so that they can accept the award.

Nominees – Please feel free to answer the questions below or to reveal 10 facts about yourself, which is what I chosen. Please do not feel any pressure for this, I just want you to know how much I enjoy reading your blog and getting to know you! The instructions are below! 

Questions:

Does blogging replace or enhance keeping a journal?

I do have a journal as well but I use it more for taking notes now.

Do you think education, as it is today, does justice to life and learning?

Education where I am (UK Ireland) is very lacking.  They are cutting funding to all the arts programs and music has been taken off the curriculum! Education here is more about conforming.

When do you find time to blog?

I am very poor at time management and I am still struggling with this. My blogging is haphazard at the minute.  After Christmas I hope to have more of a routine.

What is the one post made by you that you like the most and why?

PositivelyAlyssa’s post about her grandfather.  My grandfather was a wise man too and I miss him

What is your favourite book or series?

I love Hamlet- I’m a weirdo!

Would you rather explore the deep ocean or outer space?

Deep ocean- I am loving the blue planet tv show even though the pollution we have caused is heartbreaking.

How long would you survive a zombie apocalypse?

I would not survive 1 minute.  I am a complete scaredy pants!

T-Rex or dragon?

Dragon

If you would be a character in someone’s book, who would you get to write it?

Jane Austen

Have you ever visited a place just because you saw it in a book/series/animation/movie? What was that place?

I have visited The Dark Hedges which is in The Game of Thrones but I don’t watch the tv show but my family does!

How has writing/blogging affected your life?

It is therapeutic for me at this stage

Ten facts about myself!

Rules for nominees:

– Thank the blogger who nominated you and link back to their blog in your post.
– Upload the award to your blog. It can be done as a blog or on the sidebar.
– Answer the same questions I have above or share 10 facts about yourself.
– Nominate 5 blogs who you believe deserve to receive the award.
– Notify the nominated bloggers so that they can accept the award.

 

Is it a lie?

I haven’t told my parents that my health is being investigated and that Multiple Sclerosis has been mentioned.  I don’t want to worry them, especially as it is the Christmas Season.  I do plan to tell them after Christmas before my appointment with the neurologist.  Every time I am with them (and I am with them a lot) I feel like I am lying to them by not telling them and I feel ashamed.  My heart is broken for them because I know theirs will break a little, maybe even a lot and I don’t want to be the reason for that.  I want them to be carefree for the rest of their days and I know this worry will be a burden on them.  I really don’t want to be a burden.  All this before I am even diagnosed.

Supplements

I started taking supplements a while ago.  I really have no idea what I am doing.  I take Vitamin D3 as well as Cod liver oil, a general multivitamin and Magnesium Glycinate.  I also started Biokult and I pop a little milk thistle in there too.  I don’t know if this is why I have started to have some energy or is it just coincidence or is it a ‘cycle’ thing.  Maybe I am in that part of my ‘cycle’ where you feel good- although I have never experienced that part before! I am still reading Dr Wahls and I have yet to get into Ketosis- HOW DO I DO THIS? HELP ME!! I did find another guy: Matt Embry, he has also healed himself after being diagnosed with MS and his story is as impressive as Dr Wahls.  He has released a movie called ‘Living Proof’ but I haven’t seen it, as it is only in available Canada at the minute but I’ve been on his website:  http://www.mshope.com/ Have a snoop. He very kindly lists all the supplements he suggests people with MS take:

Click to access MSHope-Supplements-Aug2015.pdf

I hope to get all of these at some stage but it will be a gradual process as it will be expensive.  For now I am still staying away from dairy, sugar and gluten (with a few mistakes here and there) I am intermittent fasting- 16 hours a day.  I am really enjoying the fasting (probably my inner anorexic gets a kick out of it- control in an otherwise uncontrollable situation)- enjoying is possibly the wrong word … optimistic about the fasting (is that a better way of saying it) I do feel it is benefitting me.  I try to get my last mouthful before 8pm but it is not always possible as the my daughters bedtime can go on for hours.  After my last mouthful I count 16 hours and don’t eat until after the 16 hours are up.  There have been a few times I haven’t eaten until 2pm and of course I have accidentally broken my fast.  Namely my daughters birthday when we had cake fro (see I did it again) FOR breakfast at 7am- not only did I break my fast but I had gluten, sugar and dairy all at 7am.  Needless to say I felt sick all day but so would anyone.

mixing it up!

A friend read my blog and mentioned some typos.  I need a proof reader for sure! It got me thinking about a problem I’ve been having.  I mix up letters and numbers all the time.  Most noticeably at work.  My manager will ask me to call out an invoice number, say it is 1598 and I’ll read out 5198, or a customer is due 1.95 change and I’ll almost hand them 9.15 before I realise what I’ve done. The same when I am typing.  I will get the letters correct but in the wrong order.  I have genuinely spelt words completely backwards. Something I couldn’t do if I was trying to do it but it is all so natural.  At first I thought it was laziness, then wondered was I always dyslexic just never diagnosed.  I was googling am I dyslexic ( I GOOGLE EVERYTHING) Then I googled ‘mixing up letters and numbers and what came up straight away from medhelp-  “Very, very common for people with MS.  There’s some sort of disease process that attacks the part of the mind that files words”

I really was not expecting this and my heart is pounding as I type this.  I had a great week- I had so much energy- 3 days last week I was like a new person, bright eyed and bushy tailed.  I had convinced myself I definitely don’t have MS and now this.  All roads lead to MS.  I know I am pre-empting a diagnosis but it is hard  not to with this looming over me.  It is easier to put to the back of my mind somewhat but it is always there.  With so much energy this week I thought my supplements and diet must be working, but now I’m trembling- not to be over dramatic but I think I am in shock a little.  I truly did not expect MS to come up in relation to this problem..

I can’t trust my own brain.  It is playing tricks on me.  As I read over this I don’t even know if I am reading what is written or if I am reading it as my brain is reading it- does that even make sense- probably not. Anyone want to sign up to be my proof reader?  I feel sick.

This is me screaming..

Lift your head up high
And scream out to the world
I know I am someone
And let the truth unfurl
No one can hurt you now
Because you know what’s true
Yes, I believe in me
So you believe in you

-Michael Jackson- Wanna be Startin’ Somethin’

The day after the day before

I wake up and my face is no longer burning but my skin feels so rough.  I have still no idea what caused it.  The only place to look for answers is The Wahls Protocol group I have joined on Facebook. I post about my experience and they are brilliant. Some people also break out in their face after dairy, most of the people do believe it was a reaction to something but most likely grains.  I am trying to think what else I have eaten.  I did have a nakd gluten free raw bar thinymagig.. it had soya in it.  In level 3 of The Wahls Protocol you have to avoid soya maybe it was the soya.  Maybe it was the prawns or something in the prawns..  The waitress did say they used the same oil for gluten things as non gluten things- maybe that was it- it could be anything.  The advice the group gives me is that to find out I will have to try it again.  Go without the food for a while and re-introduce it and see what reaction I get.  Also to flush out the toxins.   It seems eating out isn’t going to be as simple as ordering off the gluten free menu because you don’t know what else they have in there.  Also most gluten free foods are not organic- I did not know this.  More toxins.  Such a minefield.  Luckily I don’t eat out that often. They group recommend I get a food journal so that is next on my list!

Does this mean I do have MS though? It is looking more likely isn’t it?  I have to get back into The Wahls Protocol.  I mention my brain fog to the group and one of them suggests drops of Hemp oil and drops of Frankencense oil- it is worth a try. I must order some. There is still hope… isn’t there?

 

Set Back

Friday 1st December 2017

Thursday night (last night) I went for a meal with friends.  I went for the gluten free menu and I ordered Garlic mushrooms for a starter and Prawn Pil Pil as a main.  The garlic mushrooms come and they are in a bowl of CHEESE!!!!  I was with 2 girls that didn’t know about what is going on- so I had some of the mushrooms (very few), not to cause a fuss.  We had a great night.  Then Friday a whole new symptom has presented itself.  My face burns all day and night. Is this the cheese? The cheese I ate every weekend for about 4 years?? What is going on? perhaps it is a symptom that would’ve presented itself anyway and it is just coincidence.  I don’t know but I am very worried.  I think about my sore arm.. its been sore since I went to my GP.  I thought it was because he took blood from it but now I’m connecting it to MS.  The arm is weaker and I cant push with my fingers. I had been trying to ignore it.  Now this.  So maybe I do have MS.  And even though I thought I was preparing myself -I am upset.  I don’t want MS.  Maybe I was in denial and in denial that I was in denial. I don’t tell my husband.  I don’t know how.  I haven’t told him about my arm.  I was hoping it would go away. I just want to go to bed and cry.  But I can’t.  I have a family to look after.  I am so down though.  How do I pick myself up – MY FACE IS ON FIRE!! We are all in bed by 9:30pm on a Friday night? How pathetic!

The Epsom Salt Bath

Sunday 19th November 2017

I am always busy – Looking after the girls and my husband. Getting stuff ready. Cleaning. Cooking. Cleaning again. Plotting!! When I do sit down I’m thinking what’s next.. or ‘is Trump going to blow us all up’ or ‘the girls are very quiet I must check they are still alive’ or ‘I hope we can reverse the pollution before it is too late’… my mind never settles AND worse than that even though I’m always busy NOTHING ever seems to get done!! I’m running around in circles.  I never have a bath.  I never have downtime and here I am about to have both!! I ran a bath and poured in A LOT of epsom salts. I lit some candles and I almost locked the door (didn’t lock in incase the girls were crying and my husband  didn’t hear them- I know he is on a work related skype call) usually I have a 30 second shower with my youngest outside the glass glaring at me.. probably horrified! Tonight I left my mobile in another room and told my husband to tell me when 30 minutes was up. I sank into the bath and it was pure luxury. I mean it felt amazing. My bones warmed in the hot water. My aching back was soothed… I listened to my own breathing, I watched the candles flicker. I really enjoyed it. For about a minute. My mind switched on again. I fought it but it fought back. 30 minutes!! I deserve 30 minutes!! I needed 30 minutes… so I tried again. I felt a little emotional. Why am I so mean to myself? Then I felt a little nauseated then I was actually pacing in the bath. PACING IN A BATH!! Felt ridiculous (looked ridiculous) so I sat down again.  I wanted to google things… things like.. ‘should I bathe the girls in epsom salts?’ ‘Can bathing in epsom salts make you nauseated?’ I got out. Went to my phone. I lasted 20 minutes. I was actually very proud of myself. I am beginning to see how important downtime is. Something I never have (my own fault) This Journey to health is going to cover everything.  It won’t be, I mean it CAN’T be about one thing.  It is not just about diet, it is about self care, diet, positivity, your whole outlook on life!! Gratefulness, mindfulness – okay I’m getting carried away now!! Settle petal! Booking in for another bath ASAP and I will last 20 minutes AT LEAST!! 

Meditation

Saturday 18th November 2017

I wake up ready to meditate.  I have tried it before but failed.  I do not know how to switch off.  So I contact my friend JB. It has been a while since we spoke but I know he is into meditation and all this stuff.  We have stayed in touch through social media and we get talking on messenger and he is more than happy to help. (Thank you) I tell him about the MS and he suggests we talk. So on my lunch break I call him and he knows everything!  He says I don’t have MS and it is all about gut health ( a road I was already starting but he is reinforcing everything) He recommends I get some epsom salts and have a good 30 minute epsom salt bath.  He has so much information for me and hardly any of it is getting through but I go buy the epsom salts and start to wonder.  Is this really all about gut health? Does our gut have this much power?  A thought pops into my head  ‘I haven’t had numbness in a few days’ I was having it EVERY day but I haven’t had it in a while.  My heart skips a beat- there is hope!! there is hope!! okay- don’t get too excited but I am excited.  I haven’t had numbness in my vagina in over a week!!!!!! Something must be happening.  I want to know everything JB already knows, I want to understand The Wahls Protocol.  My brain fog is still as bad it will take a while. Gut health- it really is all about gut health and there really is hope!!  JB tells my mindfulness meditation isn’t for me as a Highly senstive person.  He does mention other types of meditation but I don’t catch them. First thing though is the epsom salts bath- to get magnesium into me.  This is the second time ‘magnesium’ has been mentioned (Also in The Wahls Protocol but I can’t get my head around it) so I look online and see magnesium deficiency symptoms have a lot in common with MS symptoms.  Something else for me to try and understand.

STOP BEING VEGETARIAN NOW!!!!

I have ‘The Wahls protocol’ by Terry Wahls a good few days now but I haven’t had the chance to look into it.  Turns out being vegetarian  is the WORST thing to do for MS and autoimmune.  According to Dr Wahls anyway and she basically cured herself of MS so I’m taking her seriously.  Dr Wahls was vegetarian for years before she got her MS diagnosis and she had to eat meat to be well again.  If you google Dr Wahls, you’ll see her amazing story.  The short version: She was diagnosed with MS, the drugs didn’t stop her decline.  She was in a wheelchair. She started doing research.  She changed her diet.  She walks again and is doing amazing.  This is the very simplified version.  She did have Chemo and electric stimulation and other therapies to help her but her diet is a massive factor in her current wellness.  I joined a FB group, ‘The Wahls Warriors’ and I read all their stories.  There are some miraculous stories here.   I am already in love with this group.  There is so much hope so much positivity.  I am trying to read and understand ‘The Wahls protocol’  but with brain fog being one of my symptoms I am finding it very difficult to retain the information I am reading.  What I do know is I must eat meat, fast 16 hours a day and try to get into ketosis.  Bone broth is a big thing here.  I buy bone broth because I’m not quite ready to have an animals carcass sitting in my kitchen- boiling!! Especially after I’ve just been vegetarian for a week!!

Since this realisation 2 weeks have passed and I’ve made bone broth soup with celery, kale, carrots, broccoli, onion, all organic.  It has been very tasty.  It is very tricky navigating the dairy free, gluten free, sugar free world.  I am trying but so many foods sneak them in where you least expect it – even some vegan cheese has milk solids in it and eggs are in everything.  I am missing eggs.  They were my go to healthy snack. With the Wahls protocol she suggests staying off them for a month or so then reintroducing them to see if they give you any problems.  Apparently lots of people are allergic and don’t know it.  So I will give them up for a month and try them again.  I am still trying to get my head around this.  I know I am not eating enough fat yet and I am not exercising yet meaning I will not be in ketosis. This complete overhaul isn’t going to happen overnight.  I had a slip up last Friday.  My youngest child kept me up all night Thursday night and on Friday all I wanted to do was eat carbs and crap! I did and I felt like crap.  By Friday evening I was really down.  Tiredness and eating poorly.  I panic and the fear gets in again.  I can’t wait until January 15th I need to see a neurologist sooner.  I text a friend who would know neurologists and tell her my story.  She says something that blows my mind.  ‘You need to have downtime’ I NEVER HAVE DOWNTIME.  She suggests meditation.  MIND BLOWN.  I never thought about ‘Downtime’ I don’t have time for ‘downtime’ I’m starting very slowly to see it is all linked.  Diet, Lifestyle, Self- care, all add up to wellness.  They may seem so obvious to you but it is a whole new way of thinking for me.  I don’t do self- care.  Before I got married it was the opposite of self-care and since getting married and even more so since having children I don’t have the time. I am a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend. I don’t know what else I am other than these roles. I do know I am bottom of the list.  I don’t say that to martyr myself but something has to change-  if I want to continue to look after everybody else I have to look after myself.  Half of me eye-rolls with sarcasm- the other half of me nearly cries with the revelation.

Highly Sensitive Person

One thing the counselling did for me was to introduce me to the term ‘Highly Sensitive Person.’  At the time I was insulted.  Being sensitive wasn’t a good thing.  People always told me I was too sensitive.  Now I accept that I am highly sensitive and I love it.  The world needs Highly Sensitive People.

Questions from the website http://hsperson.com/

Is this you?

• Are you easily overwhelmed by such things as bright lights, strong smells, coarse fabrics, or sirens nearby?
• Do you get rattled when you have a lot to do in a short amount of time?
• Do you make a point of avoiding violent movies and TV shows?
• Do you need to withdraw during busy days, into bed or a darkened room or some other place where you can have privacy and relief from the situation?
• Do you make it a high priority to arrange your life to avoid upsetting or overwhelming situations?
• Do you notice or enjoy delicate or fine scents, tastes, sounds, or works of art?
• Do you have a rich and complex inner life?
• When you were a child, did your parents or teachers see you as sensitive or shy?

I tick every one of these.  I feel too much.  I absorb your pain.  I want to fix everything.  I get overwhelmed.  I like to watch TV where nothing really happen- much to the annoyance of my husband.  I overthink everything.  I play worse-case scenarios in my head every time I leave my children.. I pray all day that they are okay.

I feel a lot of stresses.  In the morning when I have to get the girls up and out and up to the school and childminder and into work for 9am- I am STRESSED- my body is STRESSED! (Thankfully I only have to do this 2 days a week)  By the time I get into work, I am depleted. My body is after running around like a crazed lunatic and I don’t refuel? How could I be well? I have started to see that because I am highly sensitive, I deplete quicker than others and I don’t refuel.  Years of this has taken me to where I am now.  Being tested for MS.   My life as a vegetarian is going well. I’m ordering off vegetarian menu’s and checking labels.  Gluten free Vegetarian is a bit trickier.  But I’m managing it.  Gluten Free, Dairy free, Sugar Free Vegetarian- I’m struggling!  I am feeling great and by Friday morning (1 and a half weeks Vegetarian) I seem to have lost a few pounds too. BONUS!

My history- ‘her story’

I will just come out and say it- I have had eating disorders of some form since I was 11 years old, maybe even younger.  There!! Everyone in my family knows it but it is a shameful thing- never discussed and the worlds worst kept secret.  Well- I am not ashamed.  I don’t understand what happened- why at 11 years old I would drink warm salt water to make myself sick after food.  How did I even know to do that? There was no social media back then.. no real media never mind social media.  We had a maximum of 5 TV channels. This was 1989. Ireland. We barely had electricity.  I don’t know what triggered me.  But I hated myself.  I self harmed.  I was depressed.  It didn’t take long to move from drinking salt water to putting my fingers down my throat after every meal.. After dinner I would say I needed a shower and with the running water I would get rid of what I had just eaten.  I didn’t lose weight but it felt good to purge.  Until I fell pregnant with my first child at 34 I was bulimic, then anorexic, then bulimic again, then anorexic again, I discovered laxatives pretty early on too and thoroughly abused them on a daily basis.  Oh boy- I got myself into some ‘uncomfortable’ situations when the laxatives would kick in and there wouldn’t be a toilet nearby- or someone was in the toilet.  It took every fiber of my being to hold it until I got to one! I know- it is gross but I’m writing this because I know I am not the only one who lived/lives like this- and if you can relate and if it makes you feel a little less alone then I will suffer this slight embarrassment.  The self harming wasn’t really harming, in my eyes- it was a release.  Sometimes I felt my head was going to explode from all the feelings and pain I felt- I had to release the pressure.  I started at my wrists but then in some peoples eyes it was attention seeking (maybe I was attention seeking- I needed attention – what is so wrong with that?)  I moved it to the tops of my legs- somewhere no one would see.  I enjoyed the pain and I really felt a release when the blood would come.  Again this behaviour was on and off until very recently.. my last big one was when Michael Jackson died!! It may sound ridiculous but I loved him… from as far back as I can remember.  He was the only constant friend I had.  His songs saved me from myself many times.  I escaped my own head when I listened to them and then there were the songs were he spoke just to me and made my world so much less lonely and I would sob my heart out.  When he died- I didn’t know how to process it.  He was my best friend (don’t judge me- okay judge me) but I didn’t know him!  I sliced MJ into my upper leg and the blood was a release of feelings I didn’t know how to navigate.  Goodbye MJ x

As I mentioned before I grew up in rural Ireland- back when it was rural.  I have 3 brothers and my mum and dad.  I am the second eldest.  I had a great childhood- running free through the fields.  We prayed the Rosary every night.  In the summer we stayed out until it got dark.  My grandparents lived down the fields and I adored them.  We spent all our  free time there.  In term time we walked to school.  We wouldn’t be in too much of a hurry but when we saw the school bus pull up we ran for our lives- every day the same pattern! We walked home from school- taking about 3 hours to get home, stopping off in granny’s for her freshly baked soda bread!  In the evening we were sent back down to out grandparents for milk.  They had a dairy farm and we got milk from them.  There was such freedom.  I am sad my children will never know that freedom. I passed my 11 plus and was put into one of the top classes in high school.  I don’t remember being unhappy there but I started getting kidney infections and coming out of school early.  My GP recognised pretty quickly on that I was depressed.  He asked me and I burst into tears.  How did he know?  He sent me to counselling.  My parents were mortified.  What did I have to be depressed about? I just needed a boot up the arse.  Maybe I did. Counselling didn’t do too much for me.  I had the Catholic guilt for being depressed on top of being depressed- I couldn’t reconcile the two.. I had no right to be depressed but I was so deeply sad and I hated myself.   I was in and out of counselling until I was 27.  At 27 I was going through my anorexia phase and had to go once a week to me weighed.  This weigh-in just motivated me to lose more weight every week!  I stopped going and started partying- literally.  I would go to parties at weekends that lasted 72 hours then after work back to the pub.  I was losing weight and having a great time.  I slept- I worked, I partied. I didn’t eat. The skinnier I was the happier I was.  I knew it was the answer to all my problems!  Then I met my now husband and he saved my life.  I do tell him this.  He partied but he ATE and he played sport and he worked and he was SOOOOOOO confident.  He was almost cocky (Okay he was completely cocky but I could see more to him) He caught on fairly quickly that I had a problem with food and he did his best to understand. He stuck by me even though I gave him hell.   He loved me and I still hated myself. His love truly helped me.  He helped me see there was something worth loving. I started eating and he still loved me.  I had meltdowns over eating and he still loved me.  I had anxiety and he still loved me.  He still loved me. The partying stopped and we spent nights in. We argued A LOT.  I won’t take all the blame.  New relationships are difficult.  But I know I pushed him away at times, to test him. He always came back. Thankfully.  He quickly became my safe place.  He has seen me at my absolute worst and at my best and all the bits inbetween and he still loves me.  I still have anxiety attacks.  I STILL DREAM about making myself sick!! I still have some form of an eating disorder. I don’t make myself sick(very occasionally I might get one in- I mean once every 6 months- not even)  I don’t starve myself,  I don’t take laxatives (maybe once every couple of months)  But I have a controlled eating- I can’t let myself feel full or I will want to be sick and take laxatives.   I know I don’t eat very much and definitely nothing nutritional.  I survive on tea and toast when my husband works late and when he’s home we eat salads and some form of meat/fish (healthy when he is there) At the weekends I save all my calories for cheese! Every week I was going to start again but I don’t know how to eat.  I haven’t eaten properly all my life.  I have to relearn everything.  When my GP said he wanted to check for MS it was a real wake up call.  How could I expect to be healthy- I don’t feed myself. This is where I am today.  Starting a healing journey – hopefully.

First Day as A Vegetarian

I’m still drinking skimmed milk in my tea until the milk runs out – I don’t like to waste.  While having this comforting cup of tea- I am really going to miss this- it is such a destresser for me- but it is not the end of the world- it is only tea (‘ONLY TEA!!’ I hear you gasp) I know- who am I kidding- I may savor every last drop!

When I get to work I pencil in 15th January as a day off for me- eeeep. I don’t even have MS- waste of time!

I discuss vegetarianism with Gabriele who works in the cafe.  She is becoming a vegan.  She lets me taste the almond milk- nutty but not too bad.

I was vegetarian many years ago- as a teenager and it was more about animals/eating disorder back then- not my health.  I didn’t have a clue what to eat.  It was rural Ireland and your options were potato and meat- and I wasn’t that fond of potatoes.  It is a whole new world for vegetarians now- so many options.  My lunch break is usually tea and toast (probably why I’m in this predicament)  Today I wander around and find carrots and hummus and an egg and spinach pot- both from M&S and both vegetarian friendly.  I feel good.  Next time I will be more prepared but for convenience M&S has proved to be a star!  After lunch I talk to my manager about why I need the 15th January off.  I make the conversation as light as possible.. nothing to worry about- I don’t want to make everyone awkward.  Besides, I don’t even have MS!

When I finish work, I collect the girls from the childminders and we get home and have food- another M&S pot (Maybe I have MS cause I eat so much stuff from M&S- I’m hilarious and I have a wee smile to myself)  I’m okay when everything is busy but if I have a minute to myself- usually when I’m lying in bed and can’t sleep- I have the recurring conversation with myself.. Do I prepare myself for MS or do I stay positive and believe I don’t have MS- but then I’ll be upset if i find out I do have it.  What if it isn’t MS and it is something worse. What do I do??? The fear gets in again and my eyes sting– I have to pull myself together- for the girls… I have to act.

Wednesday 15th November

I don’t remember what time I fell asleep, it wasn’t a very restful night- but  then it never is- is insomnia another symptom of MS.. don’t overthink it – I am the QUEEN of overthinking.  I didn’t ring my Doctors office back yesterday- I didn’t want to face it but it is on my to-do list this morning.  The girls both have chicken pox so Eabha is off school and Alex is sitting beside me eating her breakfast- more like not eating her breakfast.  I ring and get the name of Dr. John Craig at the Ulster independent clinic.  this is too real.  I don’t even have MS.  I dial the number and mess up everything and go through to the wrong extension.  I get the right extension and I’m shaking, I’m going to cry.  The receptionist will answer and I’ll be bawling and she’ll think I’m dying.  I’m number 5 in the queue- Alex is talking away to me in her baby language- making total sense to herself but I haven’t a clue what she is saying but it seems very serious so I agree 100 % with her.  Eventually after 8 minutes I’m talking to the receptionist- I’m not crying, whatever Alex said to me, it worked- she gave me strength.  The next available appointment is January 15th at 10.45am.  I’m booked in.  January 15th is a long way a way but I tell myself it is good- we can relax over Christmas and not worry- just push it to the back of our minds.  Also I have time now to cure myself before I see the neurologist.. I am going to start with avo vegetarianism because I can’t see how I can live without eggs- Eggs are what I eat- all the time!  Also, I may have a day off over Christmas and allow myself some turkey and ham.   This is a good thing.  Declan and I have agreed to go to Sprucefield to shop and mum is having the girls.  I buy almond milk and rice milk to experiment with.  I will miss tea with milk.  When I collect the girls mum’s house is filled with the smell of roast ham- oh no- I’m an Irish Culchie- I can not resist ham. She gives me some to take home.  Declan and I LOVE IT.  I will start vegetarianism tomorrow.

14th November 2017

I have been experiencing some strange symptoms including- night sweats- (nice way to start a conversation) Tiredness- extreme tiredness, forgetfulness- extreme forgetfulness! I was tested for over active thyroid and the Doctor said if it came back clear we would then test for menopause.  When it came back clear I decided not to go back, if menopause is coming, it’s coming- I wasn’t going to go look for it.   A few months later I went to a gut health talk in Soulbia.  The dietician Kirsten Crothers was talking about Coeliac disease and she listed all of my symptoms, including one I had forgotten to mention to the Doctor- pins and needles in my hands and feet and face and somewhere else- private! So off I went to the Doctor and told him about my pins and needles.  Pins and needles in my face and feet and hands and vagina (I said the word vagina to my doctor- cringe)  then about the gut health talk- he looked at me and said, ‘it is not coeliac, coeliac doesn’t present itself that way’ so he asked me to stand up and walk in a straight line- which I did but not very well- I almost fell over- then he asked me to follow his finger with my eyes- which I did- I don’t know if I did that well or not.  So he said, ‘I’m going to refer you to a neurologist to eliminate MS’ ‘WHAT? MS- is this because of my vagina? ( I said vagina again, what is wrong with me)  ‘no, it’s coeliac, can you test for coeliac?’  He was very obliging and took blood to check for coeliac and said ‘no, it isn’t just about your vagina (now he said vagina- Oh God) it is the pins and needles in your extremities…’ but he had lost me.   MS was all I could think about as he spoke to me, telling me, I’m still going to be the same person walking out of his office as I was walking in… I think he was trying to help but he sounded very serious- almost like I had MS.  My eyes started to sting.  I ask him what are the waiting lists like and he said, not great, then I remembered I may have health insurance through my husbands job.  He tells me to find out and get back to him.  I manage a  ‘Thank you Doctor’ and I leave.  I feel sick.  My sister-in-law has MS.  It is not nice.  That is putting it mildly.  I walk to the car and see a text from my husband.  ‘How did you get on at the doctor?’ ‘He’s testing for MS. need health insurance details’ ‘ok. Stay positive. Are you okay? it’s just precaution’  I start the car and remember my mum is with the girls, what will I tell her. I can’t mention MS. I decide that is she asks I ‘ll say I’m being tested for coeliac- which is true.  I want to cry. My girls, my babies.  I don’t want to have MS.  It is not fair on them.  They don’t deserve a mother who has MS.  I get home and luckily my mum doesn’t ask anything and makes a swift exit- the girls must have worn out.  Seeing the girls my head spins a little.  I love them so much.  I am so grateful for them.  I need to get better for them and I need to make sure they are never ill.  I am going to be positive.  We have the book ‘the china study’  I go to the chapter on autoimmune and that’s it.  I’m going vegan- the girls are going vegan, my husband is going vegan. Milk is bad.  No more milk.  I’m feeling good.. If I have MS I am going to cure myself of it.  It is going to work.. Everything is okay- actually I’m kinda buzzing.  Maybe it’s adrenalin.  I play with the girls and appreciate every second of it.  Then my husband comes home and kills my buzz.  He is very sullen looking.  I can’t deal with his worry.  I don’t want people to worry.  I wish he would go back to work and on to University like he is supposed to but he has decided to take the rest of the day off.  He asks me what the Doctor said and my voice cracks- (WHY?? I’m positive- it’s all good- why is my voice letting me down) I haven’t said it out loud yet.  I’ve just text it- so it’s still not real.  I don’t want to say it and put it out into the universe- making it more real somehow.  It’s like using a debit card over cash.  I never feel as bad using my debit card because I can’t see the money disappear but when I hand over cash- it hurts!!  So here I am.  About to make a transaction I don’t know if I have the goods to back it up!  ‘I don’t want to talk about it right now’ but he persists so I give him a little bit of details and suddenly everything gets so serious again.   I ring the Doctor’s office to get the name of the neurologist to make an appointment.  They tell me to ring back later and they’ll have it.   What if it’s not MS, what if MS is the BEST case scenario- not the worst case scenario.  Fear is taking over.  I must divert it.  I tell my husband milk is bad- no more milk. He rolls his eyes.   I go online and search.  I find Dr Wahls.  She cured herself of MS through her diet.  I order both her books.  I go in and play with the girls again.  They are mad craic.  The make my heart happy.  With them I can do anything.  Everything is going to be okay.  That night I lie in bed.  ‘I don’t even have MS’ ‘If I have MS I am going to beat MS, I can cope’  ‘I can’t cope, I don’t want MS’ ‘What if it’s not MS,  what if it’s something worse’  ‘I don’t even have MS’  ‘If I have MS I am going to beat it, I can TOTALLY cope with this’ ‘what if it’s not MS’…..